Clyde: What if?…

Published 12:00 am Sunday, May 26, 2024

By Clyde

Cows could fly

Jesus had the internet

Monet had spray paint

The South had won

MLK had not been shot

No copies of the Bible survived

You had not been born

Plastic had not been invented

Butterflies were extinct

The sky wasn’t blue

Grandma had an abortion

There were no clocks

Telemarketers were punishable

People were all the same color

You could eat dirt

Music was not too loud

We all lived in castles

Closets had glass doors

Fast food was all alike and the same size

Nobody had a mirror

Patriotism was fashionable again

Lightning could be harnessed

Polite was still a virtue

Churches had open doors

People were born with wheels

Cell phones cost by the minute

Medicine could cure you

The Post continued to print

Picking lottery tickets was like picking flowers

Travel magazines had free airline tickets

Lawnmowers would start on the first yank

Letters were handwritten and heart felt

Chairs looked like chairs

Movies were believable

Wine was free for the asking

Plants could tell you what they need

Glue and tape could fix things for good

Schools still taught history and Latin

Paint would cover all you mistakes

Magic markers were all in the landfill

Your toes were a USB

Weather forecasters looked outside

Computers could hear you cuss

To-go boxes were biodegradable

You had to be audition to be nice

Yankees were not on committees

Hap’s Grill had slaw

Forbidden fruit didn’t taste so good

Cell phones were banned in church pews

Squirrels, snakes and termites didn’t have teeth

Writers had something to say

You fingerprints told if you were guilty

Soap did not have perfume scents

Possums looked a little bit sweeter

Voters thought about it

There was more time for daydreaming

More people danced in the street

Counting calories was as easy as counting pounds

We were more thankful for veterans

Nails got a second chance

Actors got paid for how good they are

Naps were not so short

Ropes and drop cords were two inches longer

We knew what flags meant

Hats and T-shirts were not billboards

Weddings were really forever

Marshmallows were pillows

Picture frames magically hung on walls

Maps showed fences

Rocks smelled like flowers

Weapons had danger signals

Cheerwine came in IVs

Clyde didn’t write such crazy stuff.

Clyde lives in Salisbury