By Allen Etzler

The Frederick News-Post, Md.

I feel like my generation has ruined every holiday we have.

July 4 is around the corner, and while I’m all about celebrating America’s independence, I have a hard time believing that when John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence, in his head he was saying, “Man, I can’t wait to drape the American flag around my neck, parade through downtown Philadelphia with a firecracker in my hand all while taking shots from a bottle of Fireball and passing out in an alley with only one shoe on.”

There’s no arguing our Founding Fathers wanted us to celebrate this day. And they even wanted us to go big.

John Adams, in a letter to his wife, wrote Independence Day “ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more.” (We’ll forgive our forefathers for totally ignoring rules of capitalization.)

But I’m certain John Adams would agree that Americans, particularly in my age bracket, largely don’t acknowledge what they’re celebrating, and instead, we use the holiday as an excuse to party. Frankly, it ruins everything.

In fact, here’s a list of holidays we’ve ruined:

Cinco de Mayo: This thing is hardly even celebrated in Mexico, but for some reason, Americans use the fifth of May as a day to put on sombreros and drink tequila.

St. Patrick’s Day: We think this day serves as our only opportunity to wear green. Oh, and drink darker beer than we normally drink. Sometimes, even, we drop shots into those beers and chug them. Cool.

Memorial Day: Somehow, we’ve twisted a day meant for honoring those who sacrificed and died for our country into a day that’s meant to celebrate the start of summer … by drinking.

Labor Day: I’m actually not upset at this one. This one was created to celebrate the workforce. And most people hate their jobs, so I think it’s acceptable for this holiday to be about drinking.

Halloween: I’m gonna be honest, man. I don’t know why this is a thing. But I’m pretty sure the intent was not to have grown adults hosting dress-up parties.

Thanksgiving: We’re so commercialized as a country that we’ve managed to overshadow the best holiday we have with sales that we’ve labeled as something called “Black Friday.” I’m sure throwing punches over an 80-inch TV was exactly what the pilgrims had in mind.

Now, let’s not get things twisted: I’m not a curmudgeon. I like our holidays. And any excuse I can get to take a day off and hang out with friends and family is certainly a good day. Plus, anyone who knows me will vouch that I have an affinity for adult beverages.

But on July Fourth, we do what our society always does — we try to one-up ourselves and everyone else. We don a shirt that says “star-spangled hammered,” grab an Uncle Sam hat, call down a bald eagle from the heavens to land on our arm, shotgun a Budweiser and smash the empty can against our forehead while yelling, “ ’Merica, (expletive) yeah,” and brag about being back-to-back World War champs.

There are probably better ways to celebrate freedom — like baseball games, or visiting parks, or going to the beach, or kayaking — but I guess that’s the point of the holiday. We’re all free to do what we want.

Even if we make ourselves look foolish while doing it.

Allen Etzler is a reporter at the Frederick (Md.) News-Post. Follow him on Twitter: @AllenWEtzler