By Susan Shinn

For The Salisbury Post 

Imagine being dragged from your bed out of a sound sleep because you left some crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Imagine having your clothes strewn on the lawn at least once a month, being kicked out of your own house.

Imagine holding a gun to your head, because that’s the only way you can think of to escape.

Everything you have just read is true, and the abused woman who survived these experiences is now telling her story, and hoping other women will do the same.

A candlelight vigil to remember those who have died during the past year statewide as a result of domestic violence is set for 7:30 p.m. Monday on the courthouse steps. Survivors will tell their stories, and a bell will be rung for each victim.

“It’s a moving service,” Renee Bradshaw says of the brief ceremony. Bradshaw is executive director of the Family Crisis Council, which helps abused women, including this successful local businesswoman.

“One of the things that was really hard for me to realize was that I was in a domestic violence situation,” she says. “It happens in somebody else’s neighborhood, not it my neighborhood.”

She has a master’s degree, and her ex-husband also has a college education.

The woman says she never thought she was physically abused, although she was often thrown against the wall and grabbed and shaken. “The verbal and emotional abuse was far deeper,” she says.

She and her ex-husband met through a reputable online dating site, and were married nine months later. The abuse did not start until after the marriage, and she found out later that he also abused his first wife.

“There is a pattern of abuse,” Bradshaw notes.

“I was in denial for a long time,” the woman says. “I thought, this will get better, because he loves me. When he was good, he was really, really good. And the bad parts were the worst. There was no middle ground.”

Increasingly, her ex-husband isolated her from family and friends.

“I hid it all,” she says. “Nobody found out until I left three years later.”

Although she’s been divorced for awhile, only recently has she begun to share her story.

She was proactive about not having children with her ex-husband.

“I told everybody I didn’t want children,” she says. “I didn’t want to bring a child in that situation.”

She began counseling early in her marriage. She recognized she did need help.

“I was a shell of who I was,” she says. “I was hiding in closets. Who in their right mind hides in a closet?”

Because they lived out in the country, they had no close neighbors.

Things kept getting worse.

“I felt like God resented me for the breath I took,” she says. At her lowest point, she held a gun to her head, but felt the Holy Spirit was with her, and immediately went to see her counselor.

Her counselor urged her to put an escape plan in place, which she agreed to do. She met with an attorney and put a plan together.

The breaking point came when her ex-husband threatened a family member. She had already moved back to the area for her job, and he was to follow her. Instead, she had her attorney execute the escape plan.

“In one day, I changed my name, changed my phone number and closed our joint accounts,” she says. “I had an exit plan. That was the key.”

If there had been a Family Crisis Council where she was living, she says, “I would’ve gotten the heck out of Dodge a lot sooner.”

With the passing of time, she’s begun to talk about her experiences.

“When I finally started sharing my stories, I couldn’t stop,” she says. “It just felt so good to share.

“Survivors can have healthy relationships afterward,” Bradshaw says. “Your life can be better.”

“You can be loved like you should be loved,” the woman says. “I want other survivors to know there is love.”

She’s proud of the fact that she completed counseling several years ago. And her faith has remained strong.

“I serve a powerful God,” she says. “I knew he could change my husband, but I forgot about free will.”

For more information about Family Crisis Council, call 704-636-4718.

 

Freelance writer Susan Shinn lives in Salisbury.