David Post: Meeting of minds could narrow GOP field
Now that Google has broken Apple’s iPhone code, Big Brother has arrived. Google just posted this cell phone conversation between Republican Presidential candidates, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich, on G(otcha)-Tube.
Newt: Rick, we need to talk.
Santorum: OK. Is this call being recorded?
Newt: Not by me or Callista.
Santorum: Together we’re whipping Romney. No one likes the guy. If you’ll drop out, I can win.
Newt: Callista and I could win if you’d drop out. That’s why we call two press conferences every day asking you to drop out. Plus, it’s free TV time.
Santorum: You haven’t won a primary in over a month and I win every week. I even beat you in the deep South.
Newt: Rick, I’ll be 69 on Inauguration Day. Like Reagan was. This is the last shot for Callista and me. Ron and Nancy. Newt and Callista. Synonymous. Four peas in a pod.
Santorum: I was in college drinking beer when Reagan was elected. I didn’t know Reagan, but you’re no Reagan.
Newt: Face it, Rick. You got lucky. During the first 20 debates, you were so far down the stage, the TV cameras couldn’t see you. No one cared about your opinion. Mitt’s millions knocked us off one at a time. You were invisible. Iowa happened before Mitt got to you.
Santorum: I lived in Iowa for three years. I visited the home of every voter in Iowa. My kids went to school there.
Newt: Your kids are home schooled by your wife. By the way, what’s her name? Rick, if Iowa had been two weeks later, Mitt’s super pac would have crushed you, too. Then Callista and I’d be back on top for the third time. Mitt spent his entire fortune trashing me, but Callista and I are hanging in there because we’ve got strong financial support.
Santorum: Newt, you only have one donor.
Newt: One more than you have.
Santorum: But I’ve had lunch with everyone who’s voted for me.
Newt: You can’t have lunch with 50 million people by November.
Santorum: Voters agree with my morals. They want to give up contraception. Families were bigger and better before sex came out of the closet.
Newt: You can’t run a campaign on social values. And what were you thinking telling Spanish-speaking voters in Puerto Rico they had to learn to speak English? You didn’t win a single delegate. Callista and I have promised $2.50 gas. That’s what people want to hear.
Santorum: If we invaded Iran, got its atomic bombs, and took over its oil fields, gas would be 43 cents a gallon.
Newt: After the primaries, how are you going to attract independent voters? Reagan taught Callista and me the importance of Democrats for Newt.
Santorum: I don’t have to move to the middle. Most Americans are conservative Christians and agree with me. Besides, Newt, you’ve got a family values problem.
Newt: Reagan was divorced and won. Before you met your wife, she lived for five or six years with a guy 40 years older than she was who wouldn’t marry her. What’s her name?
Santorum: And you were having an affair with a 20-something staffer while you were prosecuting Clinton for doing just that.
Newt: Come on. Doesn’t Callista look like a first lady? She led me to Catholicism. My kids love her. Just look at her polish, her hair, her jewelry. Better than Jackie!
Santorum: Newt, if we keep splitting the conservative vote, Mitt’s going to get 35 percent and win while you and I get 50 percent and lose. He says he can save the economy, but who wants to read his 59 page plan?
Newt: That’s why Callista and I offered Herman Cain the job as Treasury secretary. Everyone understands 9-9-9. Reagan taught Callista and me the importance of simply cutting taxes to balance the budget.
Santorum: I’m going to eliminate all taxes on manufacturing. That will create so many jobs that unemployment will disappear. And you don’t need an education to work in a factory.
Newt:: I’m going to eliminate capital gains so all rich people — not just manufacturers — will have more money to hire poor people.
Santorum: How do we stop Mitt?
Newt: You need to drop out. Be my VP. If we win, you get the nomination in 2020. If we lose, you’re the immediate front runner in 2016.
Santorum: I’m already the front runner in 2016.
Newt: What’s that beeping sound? Are you recording this?
Santorum: Of course not. What is that beeping sound?
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David Post is a co-owner of the Salisbury Pharmacy and an adjunct professor at Georgetown University.