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Laura on Life:Application problem

ěHoney, what ëthingí on my phone would talk to me as if I was a moron?î
This question, or some variable thereof, is one Iíve asked my husband many times. I keep finding stuff on my phone that I didnít know I had.
ěDo you want to explain that?î he asks.
ěI wish I could. Thereís this lady insisting that I turn left in [0xbc] mile, even when Iím standing in the kitchenÖ And sheís in my phone.î
ěIs your GPS application turned on?î
ěIf you are suggesting that I was making eyes at my phone, I swear I never meant to encourage it. In fact, it probably interpreted my scowl as an amorous appeal. Now she wonít leave me alone. Is this what cyber-stalking means?î
ěNo, no, you just have to turn the application off.î
That seemed easy enough. Looking at my phone, I said, ěYou are a bad application! In fact, you have warts, you smell bad, and your mother gave you a bath four times a day to try to wash the ugly off!î
ěGive me the phoneÖî My patient husband, once again, had to save me from my misbehaving phone.
Honestly, I only wanted one that I could use to make a phone call. This little beaut takes pictures, shows me where I am (in case I didnít know), gets my e-mail, and apparently, it can now tell me where to go. Now that I think about it, that could be a feature my husband installed on there when he was being particularly facetious.
He doesnít need this feature on his phone, of course, because he has me to tell him where to go.
There are a bazillion things on my phone I donít know how to use. Iím not stupid. I just have no time to learn them. If I had the time, there are games on there that sound like they could be a fun waste of it. One of them has something to do with birds getting even with a group of green pigs for stealing their eggs. The pigs allegedly want to fry the eggs, but with what side dish would they eat them? It would seem that these two adversarial animals should be on the same team against a breakfast-eating public. Strange things happen inside my phone.
Perhaps the lady that keeps telling me where to go should referee these two unlikely enemies; and maybe broker a peace treaty between them. It certainly would give her something to do besides boss me around.
I noticed, also, that my phone is equipped with everything one would need if one suddenly woke up in a strange place with a bad headache.
It would tell you the date, the time, and where you were. It wouldnít tell you who you were, if you couldnít remember, but it would give you a list of your friendís phone numbers, e-mail addresses and birthdays. All you would have to do is call one of them and ask them who you are. Imagine getting that call.
It also wouldnít tell you why you have a headacheÖ unless you took pictures at the club you visited the night before, or unless, before you blacked out, you had the intestinal fortitude to snap a picture of the truck that hit you.
Your phone couldnít tell you where you live, but if you turned the application on at any point, you may hear the calm, firm voice of a lady who says ěturn left [0xbc] mile.î She may not take you home, but at times like that, itís better to let someone else be in charge.
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist, author and speaker. You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more info.

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