Scarvey column: Rumpology, crusty crabs and king Leos
I’m always a little bit surprised when I ask someone what their astrological sign is and they say, “I don’t know.”
They’re probably thinking they haven’t been asked that question since the 1970s, when it was posed to them, preceded by “Hey baby,” by some guy with a gold medallion peeking out of his exposed chest hair.
Astrology fascinates me. I don’t take it seriously, exactly, but it entertains me.
I own an astrology book written by Jackie Stallone, who is most famous for being Sylvester’s mom. Besides studying astrology, she practices “rumpology,” which she’s described as an art similar to palm reading. Except instead of palms, she reads bottoms. Apparently, those dimples and folds on your backside are saying things other than, “Haul me back to the gym immediately.” Send Jackie $125 and a photo of your derriere and she’ll tell you exactly what your rump is saying.
OK, so Rocky’s mom is a bit of a wing nut. But she did write an interesting book about how signs of the zodiac pair up romantically. According to her, the pairing of a Cancer (my husband) and a Taurus (me) rates an eight on the compatibility scale, which means we are a solid match but not a perfectly harmonious ó boring ó one.
My guy is a fairly typical crab. He’s a homebody. He’s sensitive, family-oriented, moody. Tough exterior. When he gets in a crabby mood, we like to call him “crusty,” since he is a crustacean, after all. And like the crab, he can be a bit snappish.
But wait. He’s only snappish to protect his interior, which is all soft and tender and sweet. Mix it with some flour and some Old Bay seasoning and you’ve got something delicious.
As a teenager, my crab guy often clashed with his Leo father, so I’ve heard.
Leos ó sign of the lion ó are fairly easy to spot. They’re the charming ones in the spotlight that everyone else is orbiting. At best, they’re charming; at worst, egotistical.
My father-in-law is a good Leo. He’s more benevolent than bossy, the kind who likes to pick up the check and leave a kingly tip. He likes to keep the members of his court happy.
Appropriately, his name is Roy. As in royalty.
President Barack Obama, also a Leo, shares my father-in-law’s classic Leo magnetism. So does Bill Clinton, also a Leo. (Side note: Clinton’s Chinese zodiac sign is the dog ó which is all I have to say about that.)
If extreme wealth is your goal, it’s probably better to be born a Virgo than a Sagittarius. According to Forbes.com, 12 percent of the world’s richest folks are Virgos, while only 6 percent are Sagittarius.
If you’re wondering which sign is more likely to get into an automobile accident, that would be Gemini, according to a study that looked at 160,000 insurance claims. Capricorns had the fewest car accidents in that study.
But what I’m wondering is this: Did they take these people’s bottoms into consideration?
Contact Katie Scarvey at email@example.com.