• 54°

Clyde: What will Salisbury residents find in 2040?

By Clyde

In the year 2040, if we’re all still alive we may find:

• We disembark from the New Salisbury Stanback Station, which has been moved five miles south of town to be closer to Concord Mills.

• Numerical city streets, named after no one, radiate from the People’s Epicenter into one big circle of holistic humanity.

• In the Bell Tower Green Park, a simple obelisk with no words on any side awaits text to be approved by a committee.

• “Nobody gonna look at you”: Churches and temples are surrounded by big black curtains, so no one is offended as they pass by.

• Graffiti covers all walls, cars, trees, sidewalks and roads, with skateboarder lanes beside bike lanes on the soon-to-be-completed Newsome Road.

• Downtown stores are all used just for window displays of art, with shopping only online and your packages arriving before you do.

• Solar farms now double as drive-in movie theater screens with farm-fresh concessions.

• A Koco Java is built beside every Dollar General.

• Small change is out. There are no cash sales, which eliminate robberies, drug sales, peddlers and also flea markets, yard sales and lemonade stands.

• The Cheerwine Festival takes over 20 blocks with more than 100,000 slushies.

• Cubical self-driving cars that all have interchangeable parts float in vacuum tubes to eliminate wrecks and traffic deaths.

• Police drones with nets that drop onto criminals and robbers as they flee the scene so they don’t need the high-speed chases.

• Telemarketers are still alive and well and work for collections agencies.

• Schools are divided into districts with buses to take your children and bring them home, where you can teach them whatever you want to everyday.

• Climate change has taken all this old world can give. It forces you to stay in your box, so you don’t touch dirt, leaves or find a bee on a blossom or a bird feather on a hike.

• N.C. votes are aligned into what they call 100 “counties,” with two elected officials for each. It works very well, thank you.

• iPhone watches have replaced all cellphones so you can’t leave home without it or drop it in the toilet.

• The revolt against plastic straws and styrofoam has resulted in a boycott of fast food joints. Plastic bags are also illegal. So, there is no litter.

• The city now has 1,000 employees who are still working on how to tax God or bars for stormwater runoff fees.

• Mr. Lane Bailey, a cultural asset not ready to retire, has taken Dickensian advice: “Constraining his mind, not to wander from the task.”

• “Ain’t gonna need to tell the truth, tell no lies:” Nobody is guilty of anything anymore, so lawyers, courts and prisons have taken over the cannibus and moonshine industry.

• As a result, the Rowan Museum has occupied the other two courthouses for the collections of 2020, called “the way we were before we got into this mess.”

• Flags, bumper stickers, prayer and T-shirts are banned because they encourage self-expression and false ideas that may incite a riot.

• Dogs and cats have made their very own emergency window at the newly merged RowRegMedaNovant.

• A statue of Salisbury Post Editor Josh Bergeron, seated on the bus of freedom of the mess, has been vandalized outside in the Post courtyard.

• The word “Yankee” appears in a column by Clyde, who is still driving his old Bronco.

• “In the year 2525, if man is still alive” aint gonna need guns to survive.”Vita brev,” already.

Clyde lives in Salisbury.



Three deaths, 29 new COVID-19 positives reported


Blotter: Bullet holes found in woman’s Park Avenue apartment


Man faces assault charges for domestic incident

High School

Photo gallery: Carson girls win West Regional, headed to state championship

High School

High school basketball: Carson girls headed to state championship game


Commissioners set date for public hearing on potential solar energy system rule changes


Two of Rep. Sasser’s bills successfully pass through Health Committee


Rep. Warren’s measure to allow removal of public notices from newspapers put on back burner

China Grove

China Grove Town Council weighs future of previously rejected housing development


Salisbury City Council hears public comments, receives presentation on Main Street reconfiguration


Blotter: Man charged with felony drug offenses


California crash kills 13 of 25 people crammed into SUV


Biden vows enough vaccines by end of May


State to vaccinate medically vulnerable starting March 24


One new death, 20 new COVID-19 positives reported in Rowan


Kannapolis man dies in moped crash


Salisbury Police chief addresses K-9 video, says officer separated from animal


Rowan Rescue Squad sets record straight on fundraising typo


City approves DOT agreement, Salisbury Station project could begin next year


County plans to use vulture effigy, enforce violations to remedy animal carcass feeding problem


Two weeks after ending enhanced protocols, Catawba has no COVID-19 cases


Council to hear revised version of Downtown Main Street Plan


Veto override of NC school reopening bill fails in Senate


Political Notebook: Majority of likely voters, local legislators support school reopening bill