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Clyde: Christmas truisms for 2019

By Clyde

Here are some Christmas truisms:

• Some people should not be given a can of spray snow unsupervised.
• A little glitter goes a long way.
• Twist ties and straps were made for people with pent-up frustrations.
• Stars are the best tree toppers
• There is nothing sweeter than a homemade car, present or desert
• Gift cards were invented by credit companies.
• Don’t call Santa daughter. He has you on his background surveillance camera.
• Wise men, being warned in a dream, departed to their own country by another way.
• Church doors are open on other days, too.
• Bows have only two loo[s and must tie two ends (look at your shoes)
• More is better on a Victorian tree.
• Save some good cheer and true spirit for after the holidays.
• Wild game would not be so tasty without the Second Amendment.
• Stolen bread does not mean from the Pop Shoppe.
• Merry Thanksgiving starts at “Halloweenmas.”
• Real holly and ivy, you gather on Christmas morning for the table.
• Deck the halls doesn’t mean throw up some tacky tinsel with LED lights.
• Frosty, Rudolph and the Grinch were not at the manger.
• Your front steps are now the landing pad for gifts from the Amazon reindeer.
• Discard the computer-generated signatures and addresses. They just don’t say the same thing.
• Real mistletoe is extinct. Hugs and kisses are, too.
• Old fruitcake makes good door stops.
• Dogs and cats do not know it’s Dec. 25th.
• Put on the feed bag, but don’t walk around it it on your waist.
• People are not made by the same cookie cutter.
• Joel B. Poinsett never worked in a greenhouse.
• Shop small in big shopping bags.
• Christmas gives a real reason for being,
• Nothing smells like fresh greenery and rosemary
• Sweet potato, cornbread and liver mush may well be the best Christmas dinner ever.
• Artificial decorations make for an artificial Christmas. Good cheer is not found in cups but in hearts.
• Celebrate Christmas like it’s your first and last, Scrooge.
• Silent night never knew rap on the synthesizers with bongo drums.
• Angels did not have tattoos, eyeliner or pink hair with highlights.
• Stocking toes would not be an appropriate hiding place for opioids.
• Peddlers and beggars make out on your generosity.
• The government of China thanks you for your continued use of single-use plastics and toys.
• A gift can be a faculty, aptitude, bent, genius or knack without gift wrap.
• Even candy makes the biggest sour puss sweeter.
• Don’t save those fuses or extra blinker bulbs that come with your light set. You will never use them.
• After all that fancy food, a plain dog from Haps sounds good.
• Good health is something to wish for.
• Giving the wrong size means you really don’t know them well.
• Money is the gift you never exchange or return.
• The suggested serving size for iced sugar cookies is two, not 20.
• Regifting is not the same as recycling. The Earth does not benefit.

Go tell it on the mountain and to your children: Individually, intermingled, intertwined and inspired, God bless everyone.

Clyde lives in Salisbury.

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