Dear Duke Energy:

I’ve been a loyal customer of yours all of my adult life. Even before that, my parents kept me constantly aware of your presence by threatening to ground me for leaving lights on unnecessarily, so your impact on my existence has been enormous.

Recently, when my neighborhood suffered a power loss because of a fallen tree, you were on the scene quickly, and labored long into the night to restore that power. For your diligence and hard work on that warm summer evening, I thank you.

As a token of my appreciation, I’m going to suggest a cost saving measure that I’m reasonably sure can save you two or three bazillion dollars a year in postage alone.

Those letters you send out once a month comparing my power usage with the usage of similar homes in my neighborhood, you can cease sending immediately.

Just stop it. Please.

Once a month they arrive in my mailbox like a report card my parents have to sign. I open them expectantly, hoping the small improvements I’ve made in my energy consumption have made a difference. Apparently, they haven’t.

Oh sure, in the winter I’m at the head of the class. You praise me voraciously as you would a favorite child, almost bragging about my low rate of energy consumption compared to my less frugal neighbors.

Truth be told, I’m perfectly comfortable when my home is at an almost chilly sixty-seven degrees. My neighbors seem to prefer seventy to seventy-five degree settings on their thermostats.

“Let ‘em cook,” I think to myself.

Besides, my cost-cutting efforts are aimed more at keeping the gas company out of my wallet than they are at you. So your praise means little to me.

Now, here we are at the end of summer, and I have received my third scolding in a row from you. You seem to imply I use more energy cooling my house than a small nation. I’m waiting for a press release announcing that one of your nuclear reactors will be assigned to me personally during the summer months.

It’s hot outside, and I like my home cool. That requires the continual commitment of my central air unit. There’s just no way around that. Yes, it whirs away morning, noon, and night, but is that a crime?

I’ve done everything you’ve suggested to lower my bill. I’m using LED lighting, I have an energy efficient refrigerator, and my TV uses less than ten dollars worth of electricity a month because I have the newest model and the manufacturer promised me it would virtually pay for itself.

To add insult to injury, your last letter pointed out that one of my neighbors spent exactly $148 less than I did last month on electricity.

I know exactly who you’re talking about. It’s that ninety year old man in the block below me who sits on his porch all day because it’s too hot to sit inside. His air conditioning broke down three years ago, and I doubt he even knows it.

Besides, he’s Methodist so he thinks air conditioning is a sin. He’s the one who waves at me when I drive by and yells “I hear it’s gonna be another scorcher!” I have to read his lips because my window is rolled up and my air conditioning is on.

So, do yourself and all of us a favor and stop sending those letters. They only induce guilt, and they make perfectly respectable citizens like myself feel like energy criminals.

Besides, shouldn’t those of us who ring your cash register the loudest be rewarded? Just a thought.

Sincerely,

One of your highest yielding customers.

 

Kent Bernhardst lives in Salisbsury.