Linda Beck: Click…click…click

Published 12:00 am Sunday, June 14, 2015

Sometimes I enjoy reading the cartoons on the editorial page.

Recently, there was one in the local newspaper by a man named Stahler. He was standing in front of his widescreen TV click, click, clicking the remote and thinking to himself: “I really regret not getting my master’s degree in turning on my TV.”

I pictured myself sitting in a wheelchair having similar thoughts. I have had cable service for several years now and I wish I had kept a record of all the times I’ve had to call for help with my TV, computer, or telephone. I must have a Guiness Book record as a “troublemaker” due to the number of times I’ve called the “troubleshooters.”

There are other things here lately in which I have needed a master’s degree. There are so many jars I cannot open and now I can’t even open the over-the-counter medicine bottles in which you have to match those little arrows. I get the arrows lined up, but I can’t flip the lid. Well, maybe I have got a degree in answers; I get someone else to open the jars and then I put the medicine and the bottle in a zip lock bag so I don’t forget what’s in the bag. Maybe I could get a master’s degree if I just wrote the name of the medicine on the bag. Duh!

I wish I had a degree in solving my problems with swollen feet and bruised legs. I’ve learned about the cause, but the solutions all tend to be short-lived. I should have a master’s degreee in disability as I am learning more every day.

A master’s degree in thankfulness would sure help me learn how to show appreciation for all the many willing people who do things for me.

Perhaps if I had gone to college, I could sell my stories to magazines and make more money on my books. If I were a writer like Joel Osteen or Debbie Macomber, I could make enough money to help other people. Nothing would please me more than to sell millions of books and share the rewards with others.

The older I get the more I need a degree in finding misplaced items. Organization used to be one of my strongest virtues, but it has fallen into the valley of despair. Fortunately, a master’s degree is not necessary when I meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. My name is in the Book of Life and it cannot be erased!