I’m more than a little distressed that we find ourselves just a few short months away from the end of another presidential term, and there is still so much unfinished business on the table.
To put it another way, virtually all of the suggestions I’ve floated to my legislative representatives have once again received zero attention.
Oh, sure they send the usual form response: “Dear Mr. Bernhardt, We thank you for your thoughtful ideas, but Congressman Ripoff would rather shove metal shavings in his eyes than give your suggestions any thought whatsoever. Nevertheless, thanks for writing, and if you’re ever up here near the Potomac River, drop in.”
It’s clear to me that our elected representatives would rather spend their time with big press items like…oh, the economy, immigration, and health care. So my efforts to improve everyday American life are thus far going unnoticed.
Here are just a few of my legislative proposals you will have to continue to live without:
The 12 Items or Less Means 12 Items or Less Act: Since 12 Items or Less lanes began showing up in grocery stores decades ago, we still find ourselves caught in long lines behind people who have no intention of adhering to the policy.
Strongly worded signage…and in Texas, manned machine gun turrets…have had little effect.
I have suggested legislation that will require violators to be immediately arrested and sentenced to return to elementary school where they will take math courses that will teach them how to successfully count to twelve.
Upon graduation, they would be allowed back into an express lane, though only under the strict supervision of a parole officer.
The Kardashian Removal Act of 2012: Our nation’s long nightmare continues as more and more TV time is devoted to this mind-numbing, yet filthy rich family.
My understanding is there are five Kardashian sisters. At one time I thought there were six, but I discovered to my horror that one of them is actually what’s left of Bruce Jenner, who has had so many facelifts that his naval is just under his right eye.
My legislative proposal would limit all Americans to no more than five minutes of exposure to any given Kardashian per week, giving us much more free time to follow the loftier pursuits of TV icons like Snookie, or those whiny people who live in Clint Eastwood’s house.
After all, we must return quality TV to every home.
The NASCAR Improvement Act: The sport that gave us greats like Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt has fallen into a sameness and predictability that is fueling its status as the sport most likely to inspire a Sunday afternoon nap in front of the TV.
My legislation would pump new life into each race by creating a mandatory 50 lap period during which half the cars would go one way on the track, and the other half will go the other way.
Then, we’ll see how good Jimmie Johnson really is.
And finally, there’s The Emergency Hurricane Renaming Act. I’m sure the forecasters who name hurricanes for a living are just doing their job, but more careful thought needs to go into the process.
No coastal community wants to be wiped off the map by a hurricane with a wimpy name like Percy, Bruce, or Jasper.
My legislation would provide a process for carefully monitoring approaching storms. As soon as they develop into potentially threatening weather systems, Congress would be called back into emergency session to quickly change a wimpy name into something like Hurricane Rambo or Hurricane Thor.
This will spare cities and towns in its path almost certain humiliation in the history books of tomorrow.
These are but a few of the legislative milestones I hope to see become reality. I’m sure legislatures of tomorrow will give them the consideration they deserve.
Or maybe they already have.
Kent Bernhardt lives in Salisbury.