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Schumacher column: Try these titles for 2010

By Don Schumacher
Special to the Salisbury Post
Coming New York Time’s best sellers for 2010:
– “Senator Reid’s Healthcare Plan for Dummies, Vols. 1 thru 65”: 120,000 blank pages in plain English (Spanish available) provide everything you must know about your healthcare plan.
– “Guide for Earmarks, Luxury World Travel and Pork Projects”: A popular aid to ensure that Republicans and Democrats get all the booty they can for themselves and contributors. A supplement for czars is included.
– “What to Say When U.S. Representatives and Senators Are Accused of Corruption”: Contains 10,000 statements politicians have used to prevent indictment such as; I didn’t do it; He/she did it; I didn’t know I owned that; My accountant messed up my tax return for the last 12 years (not me); I honestly don’t remember anything; How dare you accuse me of wrong doing; I’m perfectly innocent; I did nothing wrong; The $90,000 in my freezer wasn’t mine; I truly was hiking in the mountains.
– “What the Republican and Democratic Parties Really Stand For”: An eye-opening account of party platforms with expertly redacted sentences so as not to confuse party members on the continually revolving party ideals, missions, purposes, ethics and plans for our nation.
– “How to Spend Trillions of Dollars You Don’t Have”: There are no pages in this book, only covers. All you have to do is watch the U.S. Congress in action and take notes.
– “Diplomacy Works”: Memoirs of a world leader who successfully achieved world peace through diplomacy and being nice. A fiction novel every far-left liberal should read.
– “Words to Say to Nations Who Threaten to Destroy the U.S.”: A listing of statements used effectively in the past to prevent radical countries from destroying us. Includes: You can’t do that; Your attempt to drop a nuclear bomb on NYC was nasty; We are definitely going to sanction you this time; Come have a beer with us; If you don’t stop we’ll discontinue our missile shipments; Shame Shame Shame on you; I mean it this time, if you don’t stop shooting at us I’ll really get tough and throw my shoe at you.
– – –
Donald Schumacher lives in Rowan County.

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