Wineka column – Wishing an end to election dialogue

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, December 2, 2009

My friends, as the presidential candidates prepare for their last debate tonight, I’m looking to suspend my own campaign and run away.
It’s change I need. This whole election dialogue has led to my erratic behavior. I’m like a pit bull chasing a hockey mom or a barracuda ready to do its own offshore drilling.
But where to go on my escape, what route to take and who should go with me?
I think the fundamentals of my rescue plan are strong. There are no pre-conditions.
Well, maybe a few.
My friends, I will shun the Bridge to Nowhere.
I won’t be hopping on the Straight-Talk Express.
I will bypass Main Street and Wall Street.
I will not allow my flight to be delayed in Dallas, home of the Mavericks.
Around the kitchen table, my grandmother always told me to avoid the battleground states. And I approve that message.
My friends Joe Sixpack and Freddie Mac are staying behind. Our pig, Fannie, may come with me.
Fearful of where I might land, my wife has told me to take a golden parachute. I’m just hoping I don’t have to bail out from a plane at all, especially over Scranton.
All I’d be doing there is Biden my time.
(Wink.)
One problem, my friends, is that I’ve been feeling a bit puny. A cold coming on, I think.
“Ahmadinejad.”
Bless me.
I’ve had to search for an alternative energy boost. A surge. Clean cold technology, if you will.
Yet, my friends, I will need a few things besides health care for the trip.
Something to help me sleep at night. Earmarks will do. I mean, earplugs.
Deregulated coffee for the mornings.
Cosmetics for Fannie. Lipstick?
“You betcha.”
Bless me, again.
This journey will be expensive ó but something a little less than $700 billion.
So let’s recap my strong fundamentals.
I know where I’m not going. I know who’s not going with me. I’ll be feeling puny when I get there, and I’m not sure how I’m going to pay for bailing out.
Somehow my planned escape has delivered me home, back where I started. No need to vote by absentee ballot now. It’s clear who I should vote for.
That one.
No, my friends, that one.