Dear Amy: A young cousin of mine recently reached out to me with some heavy news. She told me that she is gay. She asked me not to tell anyone in the family, and I am honored that she trusted me with such a secret. I will most definitely honor her secret, and I completely support her.
However, as a man who is certainly more an elder than a peer ó she just started driving; I am pushing 30 ó I am wondering what role I should play in this.
My initial reaction is to say nothing, other than to offer her my support now and when, or if, she comes out of the closet.
The other part of me wonders if she is too young to be so confident about her sexual orientation. Could this be a phase or experimentation? Please keep in mind that I am a straight man, so I have absolutely no idea what it must be like for her.
She is coming to stay with me in a few weeks, and I am worried that she might ask me for advice. I don’t mind, but I don’t really feel as if I’m in any position to offer much. I’d like to be prepared, but I realize that I have no frame of reference on the subject.
My gut reaction is to just support her and tell her to follow her heart, but I also know that when I was her age, I was always looking for advice, as those teenage years can be confusing.
I’d love some guidance. ó Supportive Cousin
Dear Cousin: Your young cousin chose well when she decided to share this news with you. I’d suggest that you refrain from referring to her sexual orientation as a “secret” ó that word has very strong connotations in family relationships. Perhaps you should think of it as a “confidence” you are willing to keep.
Sexual orientation is not a phase, but sexual experimentation is common in late adolescence. Regardless, if your cousin is identifying as gay, then you should assume she is.
In my experience, teenagers mainly want to tell their story and feel they are understood. Like all of us, teens seek validation and comfort ó this is exactly what you can offer her. You should focus on this rather than on any specific “advice” you can give her.
You should ask your cousin to tell you about herself. Ask her if she is in a relationship, and guide her toward healthy choices. You should encourage this young person to be sincere and authentic in all of her relationships.
Depending on what her parents are like, you should also encourage her to share this with them. Disclosing sexual orientation can place a young person in jeopardy at home, but if her parents are as open and loving as you, she should tell them.
Dear Amy: I am writing in response to “Guilt Ridden,” the woman whose husband was worried about their son growing up an only child.
I am an only child raising an only child. Like “Guilt Ridden,” I had some major physiological problems after my daughter’s birth.
Immediately after her birth I decided that, for my health, I was finished having children. Even though I would have liked to give my daughter a sibling, I realized that it was more important for her to have her mom.
“Guilt Ridden” shouldn’t feel guilty. There are many worse things in this world than being an only child ó being without a mom, for one. ó Been There, Done That
Dear Been There: Sacrificing your physical or mental health so a child can have a sibling is extremely shortsighted, as you rightly point out.
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