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McCanless column: I'll retire to the Holiday Inn, please

By Janet McCanless
For the Salisbury Post
I was giving a rather informal talk a while back to a church group, and I got a big laugh when I said I wasn’t going to a nursing home, ever, but was instead going to the Holiday Inn. Well, just think about it for a minute.
You and I both know that nursing homes are not the most delightful places, although they are getting better. Most of the time, the residents have to share a room with someone. I don’t share well, hated the thoughts of a college dorm; you have very little space for any personal belongings, and you can’t really enjoy the late, late show because it might disturb other folks in close proximity to you.
I have the perfect solution: the Holiday Inn! For about half the cost, you can get a private room and bath, private space, and they will even give your meals to you as room service. Daily maid service, and there’s that nice swimming pool just begging somebody to use it. You have a nice dining room, even a nightclub in the local establishment, your paper can be delivered to you, and on rainy days you can walk around inside the lobby of the place and be entertained, and there are all those lovely plants to brighten up the place!
For years, my daughter and I have had this running gag about her selecting a nice home for me, should I dribble my soup, or in some other way make it known to her that I have lost my faculties. Nope, I’m going to the Holiday Inn.
She poses the argument about what I would do should I require home health care. Well, they can go to the hotel as easily as they can my home. Easier really, as I live waaaaay out in the boonies. Who would dole out my medications, she wonders, if it needs to be done? Same folks who are coming to feed me my soup, I tell her.
I know for a fact there is a woman today who is living on a cruise ship for all the reasons I have listed. She gets to go places, picks up her mail at every port of call; she has room service if she needs it, daily maid service, and she gets to dance with all the nice dance hosts in the ballroom every night. Her ship even has a vault for her valuables if she requires it, and she is having a grand time without much effort. See, I told you it was a good idea.
The thought of going into my dotage while maintaining my independence appeals a whole lot to me, and think of the wedding receptions and class reunions I could just wander into for the fun of it! I could stay young forever!
I know there are always extenuating circumstances to every situation, and if I absolutely couldn’t handle myself any other way, I guess I would consider, maybe, the Lutheran Home, or some other church-sponsored institution, but I’m sure I would be much happier at the hotel. They even have a shuttle there to take me to the airport if I decide to travel.I have given it a great deal of thought lately, and I am having way too much fun to give up my activities and such, and I am quite sure the hotel could handle all of my needs. Think how much fun it would be to invite all my friends and relatives to come and see me, but not have to worry about cleaning up after them or cooking for them. All I’d have to do is make the reservation. Sometimes my ideas are so good, I scare myself!Guess maybe I should let the hotel know, and I will, WHEN and if I get ready. Last one in the pool is a rotten egg!

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