For some, the holidays are a time to celebrate family and good spirits. But for others, it can be a most stressful time if a family member is not there anymore.

Darlene McCorkle, bereavement coordinator for Rowan Regional Home, Health, & Hospice, says this holiday season may be hard as those who grieve watch others celebrating with joyful anticipation.

“Frequently, holiday pressures create more stress than pleasure,” McCorkle explains. “Examine your goals carefully and make them realistic. Remember that your energy level may not be as high as it was.”

McCorkle helps people deal with grief not only during holidays, but every day.

Hospice of Rowan Regional Medical Center is a non-profit agency that offers grief counseling and bereavement services to anyone in the community having difficulty after the loss of a loved one.

“Our program offers people a chance to talk and a chance to heal,”McCorkle said. “We know it’s a difficult time when anyone loses loved ones to death, particularly around the holidays.

“It’s hard to go out and see a movie, go to dinner or shop without that person being there. We help families and their children through those difficult periods.”

Bernhardt’s husband died Oct. 23 of complications from a stroke and throat cancer. And of course, the holidays haven’t been the same for the family, especially the children.

“It has been very difficult for all of us,” Bernhardt said. “The house seems lonesome without him here, even though there’s plenty of us.

“He was always making suggestions about decorating for Christmas and the tree. He also would have had decorations and lights on the outside. We won’t do that this year.”

Since his death, Bernhardt said she cannot bring herself to decorate the way “Johnny” always did. In fact, she changed some of the decorations.

“This may be the time to start new traditions,” McCorkle advises. “Hang on to those which may ease your pain, or set them aside until next year.”

Lola Holt knows about “letting go” and finding new traditions. Her husband, Dr.Charles Holt, died 4 1/2 years ago from cancer.

Since that time, Holt has been able to find herself, visit friends and attend parties and luncheons. The savvy, spry woman also has moved into a new condominium.

“I felt it was time to make a move, and Iwanted to do it before the holidays,” Holt said from her beautifully decorated condo, which she shares with the couple’s long-time canine companion, Heidi.

Holt admits it took some time to sort through her husband’s things and get rid of some of them, even his car, which she continued to drive for a while. And now that she has had time to move past some of those things, not a day goes by that she doesn’t think of “Chuck.”

“Of course it hurts, but I thank Hospice for helping me through some difficult times,” said Holt. “If anybody would have told me then that I would go to a dinner and be happy, I would never have believed them.

“The first six months I can’t tell anyone what it was like. I felt so much sadness, depression and loneliness.”

Hospice provided nurses, counselors and volunteers to assist the couple, which allowed Charles Holt to stay in the comfort of his own home, rather than in a hospital.

The staff at Hospice also became friends with Lola Holt, who did not have relatives in Salisbury. Her son, Kim, came from New York to be by his mother’s side and eventually moved here.

“He’s wonderful,” Holt said of her son. “He stayed the whole time Chuck was sick and helped out tremendously.”

This Christmas, Bernhardt says her family will go to other relatives’ homes for dinner.

“We stayed here for Thanksgiving, but I decided we would visit everyone else this year,”Bernhardt said. “It gets us away from the house, and it will be good for the kids.”

McCorkle agreed. She also worked with the younger Bernhardts to help them cope with their grief. Hospice provides children someone to talk to. They give coloring books that contain stories on how to cope when someone is sick, how to say good-bye to someone who is dying and what to expect after death.

And that counseling may continue a year after the person dies, or for whatever length of time is needed.

“Families with children often have difficulty coping during this emotional time,” McCorkle explained. “For many families it doesn’t seem possible to be happy and celebrate a holiday when they are mourning a family member. Don’t let family think you’ve forgotten. It’s important they know that love continues.”

McCorkle encourages families to light a candle in celebration of a life and a love shared. In the Bernhardts’ case, she also suggests the children buy an extra gift for their mother — from their father.

It’s OK to talk about the person who has died, McCorkle said.

“It’s important to allow the children to tell stories about that person,”McCorkle told Bernhardt. “Do that first, because it helps the rest of the day. Children can sense the sadness of their family members and may feel confused.”

The Bernhardts had no problem talking about their father and grandfather.

Bernhardt’s daughter, Beverly Knox, her daughter, Syreta Mitchell, 17, and the Bernhardts’ younger children, Donnel and Donnetta, both 12, and Tywuan, 8, laughed and shared stories about the man they all knew and loved.

“He had nicknames for all the kids,” Syreta remembers. “We miss that.”

“Daddy loved to eat,” Donnel shared.

They also shared his love for taking photos.

“I know you wish now you could have gotten more pictures of him,” McCorkle observed.

The Bernhardts agreed.

Hospice also offers support groups, but Bernhardt prefers the one-on-one counseling.

“I’m not comfortable with talking about it with a group,” she said. That’s normal, McCorkle advises.

“But Hospice has really been wonderful to us,”Bernhardt said. “We have appreciated everything they have done for us.”

McCorkle and others from Hospice continue to visit the Bernhardts to offer support.

Holt continues to do well and has herself become a Hospice volunteer.

“Hospice was there for us and helped me to keep him home. It was such a relief to see the peace and serenity in his face knowing we were both taken care of,”Holt said. “I want to be able to provide that same feeling of comfort to others.”

For more information about Hospice services, to volunteer or to donate to the organization, call 637-7645.

Coping tips

McCorkle suggests these tips to those who are coping with grief during the holidays.