Wineka column: Ladies, the game is on for Miss Cheerwine

Photo illustration by Andy Mooney, Salisbury Post

SALISBURY — Brothers, are you with me?

The folks at Cheerwine have committed a grievous error in their call for applications for a new Miss Cheerwine.

They have shut us out, and it is discrimination of the highest order. It smacks of sexism, ageism and favoritism.

They seek only women. They say you have to be between the ages of 21 and 25. And you must live in one of these states where Cheerwine does business — North and South Carolina, Georgia, Virginia, Tennessee, Maryland or Florida.

To top it off, the soft drink company is seeking someone “who represents the values of fun, community and Southern culture found in every can of Cheerwine.”

Fun? I’ll show them fun.

Let’s fight this, gentlemen. Let’s go to our windows, lift them up and shout out at the top of our lungs, “We’re mad as hell, and we’re not going to take it anymore.”

(Sorry, I recently saw “Network” on the Turner Classic Movies channel, and I’m sort of on a roll.)

I’m trying to stay calm. I truly want Cheerwine to know I would be the perfect summer ambassador for the cherry soft drink.

I notice entrants are being asked to submit a photo. An essay also is required, to explain why the applicant would make a great Miss Cheerwine. Well, here goes:

Dear Cheerwine:

As you can see from the attached photograph, I easily tap into the Daisy Duke-Ellie Mae Clampett persona that you’re looking for. In fact, an exposed midriff and skinny T-shirt would be perfect for me, because I sweat like a pig in the summer.

The high-riding shorts suit me, too. I don’t know how many times I have been told through the years how these bowed legs of mine are my most attractive feature.

While you might find my facial hair and large nose a bit disturbing, I would argue they become quite an asset in warding off anyone who had even the slightest notion of being fresh with me.

Let me put it another way: My face is a built-in security device.

But I’m sure you’re looking beyond appearances in deciding who should be the next Miss Cheerwine.

Effervescent personality? My middle name is “Bubbles.”

Southern culture? I read the Salisbury Post. I have been to Lazy 5 Ranch, the Dan Nicholas Park Nature Center and the Farmers Market on Saturday mornings. I regularly dine at some of the finest restaurants: from Hap’s Grill to College Barbecue.

Friend of the product? I bathe in Cheerwine, it’s that good.

As for these minor sticking points related to my gender and age, please, hear me out.

You would receive a whole lot more media attention if your Miss Cheerwine were a guy. I think my photo says it all.

Granted, I am 55, but I contend I have experienced — at my age — more than double the fun and culture of someone in her early 20s.

So you can call off your search and the application process for a new Miss Cheerwine. With my entry, the contest is no doubt over.

Please pass on my good wishes to the girls who already have applied but probably never saw this coming — a Miss Cheerwine with cojones.

Contact Mark Wineka at 704-797-4263, or mwineka@salisburypost.com.