Kerr column: Fit to be tied

I don’t know why I’ve always been big on happy endings. To me the most romantic beautiful love stories are the ones where people meet, fall in love…then in fifty or sixty years one of them dies and a few days later the other one dies because they just can’t bear to live without the other. Not that that’s a good example of a happy ending — ‘cause in the end you have two dead people in that example. That’s what I thought it would be for Katie and me — not that we would be dead, but that we would be together forever.

‘The Story of Us’

The young couple sits nervously in my office. It’s the first session of their premarital counseling. They wonder, “What’s he going to ask?” “What will we have to talk about?” “Will he tell us that there’s not much hope for us; that we shouldn’t get married?”

I have to confess, I hope they are a little nervous. Even a bit scared. What is this marriage thing if it’s not promising an uncertain future to a person you only think you know well?

So to add to their anxiety, I ask the first question they don’t expect to hear, “So why do you two want to get married?” They look at each other with a mixture of fear and incredulity and, with a unison gulp say, “Because we luuuv each other.”

I’ve often thought how it would be if I said, “Well, come back when you have a better answer!” Anybody who has been married more that twenty minutes knows that love is not enough.

What else is needed?

Why is that with one of the most important decisions a person can make (“With whom will I, hopefully, spend the rest of my life?”) there is virtually little help and education to assist the young…and not so young?

Current research suggests that a healthy marriage has effects on physical health, increased earning potential, greater emotional health and even more frequent and enjoyable sex! The benefits to society range from a reduction in poverty, lessened gang involvement, a more productive workforce and greater compassion.

My question of the young couple, “Why do you want to get married?” would have surely produced a different answer if asked to previous generations. From the beginning of time people have chosen mates for reasons of survival, security, socialization, sex, socioeconomics and, more recently, self-fulfillment. The latter reason has given rise to what marriage educators call the “soul-mate” model. It also many times inflicts a great deal of undue pressure on an all-too- human, though certainly divinely inspired, institution.

One of the most important components of the curriculum, and often most neglected, is the importance of self knowledge and maturity. John Van Epp, in his popular “How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk,” points out the danger signs one needs to heed in others, but also what attitudes and expectations we bring into this most noble of all human relationships. It’s one thing to avoid falling for a jerk; it’s equally important not to BE the jerk that others will avoid falling for.

It is a fairly common practice in most businesses to equip their employees with skills in professional communication, conflict management and problem solving for their jobs. Only a few companies encourage their employees to take marriage classes. It is a wise employer that sees not only the benefit to their workers’ personal lives but also the impact on their work. The estimates are that U.S. businesses lose six billion dollars a year due to decreased productivity stemming from marriage and relationship difficulties.

With all the benefits earlier suggested, one wonders why the marriage rate in the United States continues to decline, along with a decrease in those couples who consider themselves “very happy.”

Maybe we need to add a “fourth R” to our basic education: “Reading, ‘Riting, ‘Rithmatic…and Relationships”

An introductory seminar “How to Avoid Falling For a Jerk” will be offered at the Hurley Y Multi-purpose room on Jake Alexander Blvd. on Friday September 10 from 7-9pm.

For registration call Rod Kerr at 704-633-0431 or e-mail rod@fbcsalisbury.org.

Cost is $5.

A series of follow up classes will begin on Tuesday, September 22 from 6:30-7:30pm in the Gathering Room at First Baptist-Salisbury 223 North Fulton Street.