Love isn't blind, but it sure can be stupid

By Rod Kerr

For The Salisbury PostEllie grew up in a home where her mother died and her father subsequently remarried. During her teenage years, her father was tragically killed, leaving her in the home with a stepmother who favored her own children, leaving Ellie starved for love and attention. It was not surprising that Ellie soon met and married a man she had known for only a short time. During their brief courtship, he lavished her with praise and adoration. What a prince!

That, in fact, was who he was — a Prince. Prince Charming, in fact. And the girl — whose good friends knew her as Cinder Ellie — wore clothes made from bluebirds, rescued trapped mice and dressed them in cute clothing and never seemed to complain even when she had to work all day and night.

Her prince was looking for the perfect woman and Ellie was looking for the perfect man. Do you ever wonder if they were so determined to live out their dreams that they both overlooked certain warning signals?

You can spend hundreds of dollars these days in matchmaking services and internet sites to help you find a mate. After that's taken care of, you can spend hundreds of dollars on premarital counseling and inventories. Then, you can spend thousands of dollars on marriage counseling to help keep the relationship working, and sometimes, if that doesn't work, you can spend tens of thousands of dollars on attorney's fees and divorce proceedings.

Of all the decisions you make, few are as important as who you choose to marry or live with. Make a bad choice and you can spend your days and nights mired in unhappiness or consumed by anxiety or depression. Such things not only rob you of your mental and emotional health, but undermine your physical health. Recent research suggests a dysfunctional relationship is as hazardous to your physical health as cigarette smoking. They may want to start putting a warning on marriage licenses, "Caution: This product may be hazardous to your health."

Most of us have been there. You meet someone and all of the bells and whistles go off. They seem perfect, until you discover the one thing you cannot live with. Then you realize there were hints all along and you wonder why you didn't pick up on them before you invited them into your heart. We've all let a clown or two spend more time than they should in our lives. But when we start feeling we've dated the whole Ringling Brothers crew, it's time to ask ourselves what role we've played in creating our own circus.

Relationships aren't mysterious entities that come in a magical flash of lightning that we may call "chemistry," which has little to do with the ability to form a healthy, enduring bond. Love isn't blind at all. It is, in fact, built on trust, commitment, intimacy and attachment.

But how do we get from looking for to finding that person and establishing a relationship? Too often we rush into romance. In our haste and hunger, we let ourselves get jerked around, not only by the guy or girl, but also by our own gullibility.

John Van Epp in "How to Avoid Falling In Love with a Jerk," suggests a model that incorporates strategies for determining whether a courtship has the potential to turn into a healthy relationship. That model, the basis of the seminar of the same name, helps people have the tools to know what to look for in a prospective partner before they become infected with the "love is blind" syndrome.

It's centered on a plan and builds around the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). Van Epp said, "It informs the person on the major areas that predict what a person will be like in a marriage and the bonding forces that must be kept in balance as a relationship grows."

It is about a lot more than avoiding a certain type of person. It's about how to pace your relationship and know what exactly to look for in a healthy commitment.

There are certain areas that a person needs to know about another person – head knowledge, including their values, how they have acted in previous relationships, and something about their family of origin. Van Epp says, "Even if you know the right stuff about someone else, if your head becomes so involved, so attached and so overwhelmed with a person, it will not pay attention to who you are getting to know. They draw the conclusion that the way the person is treating them in the first months of the relationship is how they will be treated throughout the course of the long-term relationship."

The way a person interacts with family members is a subtle predictor of how he or she may act in a relationship. A good example is a man who has major conflicts with his mother. He may be wonderful in a dating relationship because he is not viewing the woman as a prospective wife. Once married, those roles will kick in and become the lens that he looks at the women through.

In addition to this "head knowledge," the RAM model examines bonding processes. Happily-ever-after marriages depend on bonding in five key areas: knowledge, trust, reliance, commitment and sex.

Married couples also need to keep those five areas vital and vibrant. Couples over time can feel like they are losing touch with each other. That seems to be a major cause of dissolution and divorce — not affairs, finances or personality issues. Two people just slowly drift apart and wake up one day realizing they are living two very different lives.

There is no way to completely be sure when you meet someone that they will fulfill all your needs and expectations. That just happens in fairy tales where the book says "and they lived happily ever after." But there are very definite ways you can increase the likelihood that you can take conscious steps to insure a more healthy and balanced relationship. And maybe like Cinderella, you will wake up to the singing of the bluebirds: "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, your wish" — of a real and honest relationship — "will come true."

- - -"How Not to Date a Jerk" seminar has been rescheduled for Friday, March 5 from 7-9 p.m. in the fellowship hall of First Baptist Church, 223 N. Fulton St. Register by calling 704-633-0431 or e-mailing elizabeth@fbcsalisbury.org. Or register at the door at 6:30 p.m. Cost is $5.

Kerr is LifeSupport director at First Baptist Church.