Singled Out: First Baptist ministers to singles

Sarah Proctor, Cindy McCulloh, Barbara Thomason, Gerald Miller and pattie Ritchie attend a Bible study meeting at First Baptist Church in Salisbury. Submitted photo.

The Singles group at First Baptist tries group juggling. Submitted photo.

The Singles group at First Baptist plays a balloon game. Submitted photo.

Out of the divorces, widowhood, singles bars, clubs, apartments and condominiums comes a torrent of need — and it is flowing right past the door of our churches,

There is boundless talent and creativity in this flood of single adults who can help the church — and be helped by the church.

To fail to reach out to this population is to "wall out" almost half of the adult population today.

The current incarnation of singles ministry at First Baptist, Salisbury, started about five years ago in one of the LifeSupport groups. During the conversations in our initial DivorceCare support group, co-leaders Wayne and Anganetta Dover heard the same concerns.

"We were asked numerous times, 'Where can I go to find people who have similar needs and issues that I have?' We just continued to ask the question," Anganetta says.

"The people in the group needed a place for continued healing. A place where they were accepted and knew they were not just loved but truly understood. For these people, their most trusted person was gone."

Current Singled Out member Alice Owens says, "Divorced singles, many times feel like second-class citizens in our community, our churches, even their own families. Family and friends stand on the sidelines, and do not want to get involved. That rejection hurts the person even more."

"Low self-esteem, stress, and sometimes embarrassment added to the rejection and loss of the dream is a heavy load to bear."

"The DivorceCare ministry at First Baptist is a wonderful program," said a recent graduate. I wish more people knew how helpful it is!"

GriefShare was the second LifeSupport group that First Baptist added.

"The death of a mate is acknowledged by family and friends with condolences of food, cards, phone calls, and flowers," Owens said. "But soon, all this will end and the surviving mate is left to get on with life with little support."

"Married couples forget to include the widowed mate," she added.

Sherri, a recent participant in GriefShare said, "The meetings encourage you to talk about things and feelings and thoughts you may have kept bottled up, and that would not have helped get through the process. The sessions won't take away your grief, but I think it opens up your mind some to foster positive or reassuring thoughts and healing."

Both GriefShare and DivorceCare are weekly support groups and seminars conducted by people who have been through these difficult life transitions.

Both groups deal with loss. As LifeSupport director, I can say it's hard for people to be optimistic about the future during these times of loss and imbalance. Our LifeSupport groups help people connect with the faith resources and find hope and direction.

I came to the ministerial staff of First Baptist, Salisbury, more than six years ago after working as pastoral counselor with the Palmetto Baptist Medical Centers in South Carolina, where I did outpatient therapy in four upstate cities. I was also a family life consultant with several state and national denominational agencies and led hundreds of retreats and seminars throughout the south.

When I returned to local church work, I wanted to build a ministry around both the needs and the strengths of different family types – most of all reaching out to the more non-traditional models.

Recent research suggests that the traditional family – a married couple with children living in the home – represents only about 25 percent of American households, most of which are populated by single adults — never married, formerly married, widowed, single parents and separated persons.

Changing the attitudes and dealing with the myths of singlehood are a challenge to many congregations.

"There are some common misunderstandings," says Mary, a charter member of Singled Out, including the following:

- They have nothing to contribute.

- Their opinion doesn't matter.

- There is something wrong with them.

- Children with one parent are dysfunctional.

"One common misunderstanding," says Joyce Curl, the leader of the Singled Out ministry, "is that all singles want to be married. Some enjoy being single but value sincere friendships with members of the other sex. Just being very good friends that care and respect each other. You don't have to be married to enjoy life."

Donnie Stowe, who recently joined the singles group, echoes the sentiment, "Most singles just want to be happy, married or not."

"Our group is made up of people that were sown into many different areas of our church and community," says Curl, a patient advocate at Rowan Regional Medical Center. "We became 'family' if you will, under one roof."

The central focus of the ministry is the weekly Bible study that I teach on Sundays at 9:45 a.m. in the "Gathering Room" at First Baptist.

The focus of the study is not just knowing the Bible but allowing the words to inform daily life and to transform sometimes difficult and painful transitions.

"That's what happened to me," Curl said. "We were discussing ... Jesus asking the man who had been sick for a very long time, 'Do you want to be well?' After the man replied, Jesus told him to pick up his mat and walk. I saw my loneliness and broken grieving heart as my illness that day. If Jesus could heal a physical disease, He has the same desire to heal a broken grieving heart due to the death of my husband. That Sunday, I was given the same blessing that sick man received, I picked up my mat and walked."

But the ministry doesn't stop there. Lou Hamilton, a member of the Singled Out ministry and service team is excited about the outreach the class does.

"The Singled Out class had a big success last year with the community yard sale and ministry fair," she said. "It provided funds for the church's Shepherd's Pantry, as well as for scholarships and resources to reach out to singles, especially single parents. The class regularly fills emergency food bags and delivers them to families in need."

This Christmas, the group gave half of their class treasury to help fund First Baptist's Fellowship Stocking Fund that helped over 60 families with Christmas gifts for children. Curl explained, "Our 'family' is one of the most giving classes, and if you compared, we would be the least expected to be able to do so."

"I enjoy being a part of the Sunday School and the ministry projects," Hamilton said. "I also have fun at the potluck dinners, the cook outs, and the special trips planned. Whether it is a day trip to the mountains, or a beach retreat at the coast, we are becoming internally strong, so we can be externally focused because we are eternally loved."

Rod Kerr is the LifeSupport director at First Baptist Church in Salisbury.