Advice for grandparents

In a country populated by a fleet of wonderful grandparents, there comes a time when we all need to say thank you. Out of compassion and necessity, grandparents are stepping up in more ways than we would have imagined.

The stresses of modern America have changed the role of the grandparent. They are primary caregivers for delinquent parents. They are daycare providers for working parents. They are teachers of rules and belief. They are teachers of the past and how to avoid a mistaken future. They are this and so much more.

Problems have arisen as this shift in parenting has occurred. Grandparents are now expected to discipline when they should be unconditionally spoiling their loved ones. This shift would be reasonable if grandparents bought into the philosophy of parenting their grandchildren as they did their own children.

Unfortunately, this seems to be the exception and not the rule. I feel bad for all parties in this dilemma. It is not fair to the grandparents who have already paid their dues. It is not fair to the children who are lacking the necessary discipline to advance mentally and physically. It seems unfair all around.

That being said, we need to assess this situation critically. This generation needs more loving discipline than ever before based on the increased array of challenges they face. They have to deal with low quality and easily accessible food, excessive exposure to visual media with violent and sexual content and crowded public schools. American acceptance of poor behavior by the public coupled with the glorification of these behaviors in our entertainers and music does not help.

The first six years of life are critical for programming children's behavior and habits. If they learn negative beliefs and poor attitudes, these hard-wired thoughts will affect their future mental and physical growth.

Our general acceptance of mediocrity at all levels is frustrating. We need to expect that our children are eating healthy food, are read to, listen to reasonable music, are playing outside and will follow rules. What our children need is the expectation that they will aim to be the best at whatever they try while respecting the rules of school, home or in public.

It is amazing to me how often I hear that teachers in school spend half of their time disciplining the class versus teaching. When did we decide that it was OK to not expect compliance in school?

Most grandparents remember the days of children respecting their elders and teachers. They remember family meals and family faith gatherings. They remember children playing outside all day long until the cowbell rang for meal time. They remember nighttime reading instead of TV or video. They remember parents working hard and educating their children in unison. What happened to these traditions?

Life has changed dramatically since those glory days. Parenting is difficult when both parents have to work all day. It is difficult as a single parent. It is difficult when a parent does not care (rare but real). It is difficult when the government supports poor quality food with our tax dollars. It is difficult when teachers are unable to discipline and schools are too crowded. It is difficult when the external media pressures educate our children to care less about honor and integrity than celebrity and mediocrity. It is flat difficult.

All of this being true, we need to change in order to progress positively as a society. Since grandparents are now in a big role as caregivers on the primary level, they are the focus of this article.

First, let me say, God bless you for your love and effort! Second, can I offer some advice for the betterment of your loved ones? First, expect the parents to be responsible for everyday discipline and then reinforce that system while you are in charge. It is important as a primary caregiver to be consistent with moral discipline and daily living routine. Children respond best when systems are consistent and honest. They love to be loved but also shown boundaries that provide security and guidance.

What boundaries would be useful? Limit the exposure to visual media to quality educational types and less than an hour a day for all age's greater than two years old. Let us get back to home cooked quality meals and shun the processed preprepared foods that have low nutritional quality but are convenient. Pay attention to what your children are watching and listening to. Educate them as to why they are not ready for an inappropriate movie or song. Make the hard choices.

Dr. Christopher Magryta is a pediatrician with Salisbury Pediatric Associates.