Bernhardt column: 5 ways to becoming a better person

We’ve just entered a new year, and many of you gave a lot of thought to new year’s resolutions that you’ve already broken by now.

According to government scientists, the average shelf life of a new year’s resolution is 3.2 days. That’s how long is usually takes the average joe to realize that his goal of jogging every day was pretty silly, and he should taper that back to a once a month walk around the block.

I gave up new year’s resolutions for Lent a few years ago, and the experience was so richly rewarding, I haven’t made one since. As a matter of fact, the last resolution I made was to stop making up data from supposed government scientists.

I do think it’s realistic to set vague goals for yourself at the start of the new year, and that’s what I’ve done instead for 2012. These are just general maintenance items; things I hope will become habit for me, and make not only my life better, but the lives of those around me.

1. I plan to play fair and respect grocery store laws.

“Twelve Items or Less” means exactly that. Not sixteen, not eighteen, and certainly not the twenty-five I tried to squeeze across the line during my last visit. I could feel the burn on the back of my neck from the eyes of the people behind me. One older lady stared at me so intently, I should be a pile of ashes right now.

2. No more gratuitous whistling. Growing older and heredity has forced this habit on me, and it’s got to stop. My grandfather whistled all the time, mostly his own hipped-up version of “Blessed Assurance.” The older he got, the louder he did it. It was our way of knowing he was nearby.

I whistle too, but I never seem to have any particular tune in mind. Sometimes I just stick random notes together and call it a song. Sure, go ahead and laugh at me, but Mozart did the same thing. Only he wrote his down.

Perhaps I’ll just continue whistling, but update my repertoire a little with a few Lady Gaga songs.

3. I will enter all restaurants this year with a clear idea of what I plan to order.

Usually, I engage in a lot of small talk at the table, and then when the waitress appears, I have no idea what I want. They must hate hearing “Could I have a few more minutes” when they know you’ve had 10 minutes to decide what you want already.

Time is money to them, and we could all do a better job of realizing that. Also, I plan to condense my order and keep it simple. For a reference on how not to order, watch Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally.” I wanted to shoot her myself.

4. I will use my new Kindle Fire to explore the depths of mankind’s literary treasure chest, and cut back on my use of it to destroy those little green pigs with my angry birds.

I’m pretty bad at that game anyway. My birds seem to be getting angry at ME. The other day, one of them tried to crash through the screen and peck my eyes out.

5. And finally, I will be kinder in traffic this year.

We are all just fellow travelers along the highways and byways of life, and we’re bound to make mistakes along the way. So I plan to greet each of my fellow journeymen with a smile of encouragement and a wave of the hand.

Hopefully the whole hand.

Kent Bernhardt lives in Salisbury.