Once upon a time, I used to write occasional columns I vaguely thought of as Elliott Stew.

Which roughly meant, I didn’t write them at all.

I just kind of copied them from here and there.

But I called them Elliott Stew, because my cousin Elliott used to come to visit and stick his nose in the refrigerator as soon as he arrived.

“Let’s see what we’ve got,” he’d say, and start pulling everything out and putting it in a pot.

“Gonna be good,” he’d say, and sometimes it was.

Sometimes, though ...

Well, that’s what used to happen to those columns. All the little leftovers would get thrown in together, and presto — take it or leave it. There it was. Sometimes it was OK, and sometimes it would have been better forgotten.

But now, since the Internet and e-mail have all those jokes and lists and goodness knows what else floating around in the etherworld ...

Well, what’s the etherworld, anyway?

What’s ether?

I thought I knew what I was saying when those words escaped my fingers, but when I read them over again, I wasn’t sure. So I went to Webster’s and knew I had it. The first definition of ether, get this, is:

“An imaginary substance, regarded by the ancients as filling all space beyond the sphere of the moon and the stars.”

And if that’s not enough, the second definition is “the upper regions of space and clear sky and air.” I can’t imagine a better definition of where all that stuff comes from and goes to.

So! I’m like the next guy in the e-mail chain. I pass it on to you.

But I don’t call it Elliott Stew any more or e-mail Spam. I call it a cheapo column. You just copy — and fit the space you have.

So try on this list of 20 things to ponder that came from somewhere I can’t remember:

• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
• If a mute person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock service station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?