In a development that stunned the corporate world and local diners, AOL-Time-Warner-EMI today announced its merger with a well-known Salisbury restaurant, Beattie’s Open Kitchen.

A spokesman for the entertainment Megalith, Hugh Gotebekidden, stated that it was a good match for both companies. “We’ve been looking for a presence in the home-cooking industry and from all of our analysis, Beattie’s seems to be what we’ve been looking for.”

Jim Beatty, proprietor of the restaurant, was more succinct: “I think it was our liver and onions.”

Merger negotiations have apparently been going on for some weeks. “We were talking about stock swaps for two days before I realized it had nothing to do with soup,” Rick Beatty, the restaurant’s chief cook, bottle washer, and some-time floor sweeper admitted.

With this confusion aside, the deal was simply a matter of straightening out a few details.

“They said that they were positioned to give us great Web presence,” loyal staff member Irene pointed out. “I told them that the way tips have been running, we didn’t care what kind of presents they were, as long as they were hockable.”

“And we’re supposed to get billing right on the front of their magazines,” Margaret, another staff member, noted. “It’ll say ‘Time’ or ‘People’ and right below that, ‘Eat at Beattie’s.’ Of course, that will be in smaller print.”

An overwhelming force in the publishing, cable, Internet, and music industry, AOL-Time-Warner-EMI now seems to be staking a foothold in the down-home food field.

Harvard University Business Professor, Ivy Wahls, summed up the merger this way: “What do people do today? They watch TV, read magazines, go to the movies, listen to music, play on the Internet and eat. AOL-Time-Warner had a finger in each of those pies except one, and now they’ve got that covered. Besides, I hear Beattie’s has great liver and onions.”

Not all analysts have predicted such a rosy future for the deal. Lunch-time regular Nathan Caple laughed and said, “Shoot, them boys don’t know what they’re getting into. They do something to set Berniece off” — he pointed toward the cashier — “and she’s liable to give them a piece of tough cornbread upside the head. And that’s the truth.”

With the merger, AOL-Time-Warner-EMI adds wait and cashier staff, Irene, Alice, Margaret and Berniece to its stable of well-known employees who include Cher, The Spice Girls, and the rock band, Metallica. Thinking about her new co-workers, Alice (who hasn’t thrown a piece of cornbread in some time) stated with conviction, “They’re lucky to be getting us.”

Mega-mergers such as the Beatties-AOL-Time-Warner deal illustrate the corporate drive for that elusive quality called synergy. Ivy Wahls explains, “Synergy is when two things come together and complement each other so well that they are more than simple addition. Two and two equal six. Synergy is, well, synergy is like liver and onions.”

Rick Beattie wanted to assure his regulars that even though his restaurant has now joined the world’s largest entertainment conglomerate, there will be few changes.

He shot down a CNN report that barbecued woodpecker would become a weekly special.

“The menu won’t change. We’ll still have the daily specials, chicken pot pie and Salisbury steak, and you can still come through the back door, if we know you.”

And liver and onions?

“Oh, yes, we’ll still have liver and onions.”

The new corporation — which must still gain regulatory approval from the Federal Trade Commission and the Salisbury Merchants Association — will be known as AOL-Time-Warner-Beatties-EMI.